50 and The Mask

a filigree mask

I wrote a blog once about de-masking and becoming real. Foolishly, I deleted it. I then went on and deleted all of my blogs. I did print out some of them, but The Mask was not among them! There had been much ado about something or rather, and I felt unsafe blogging. Oh the foolish actions of someone who was too scared to stand and face the very truth that she longed to convey. However, after letting go of some people and opinions, I realised it was time to reflect back and write from the heart, once again.

You know, it’s never too late to take a stand and show the world the true you, the one that has all the sags, bags and wrinkles but knows enough to be sure, and enough to remain humble.

I got confused by someone who used to tell me, that to the public, they would wear a mask.  It just didn’t sit right with me. There was always conflict with them, it was never plain sailing. Speaking one thing to one person, yet saying something entirely different to someone else. Keeping their cards very close to their chest, and yet demanding an audience and trying to have a perception of authority and wisdom. It never worked for me.

I learnt through some very troubling times, that if you indeed are going to wear a mask, then you had better be prepared for the eventuality that it will be ripped off someday. And you had better pray that the Lord does it gently and privately, so as not to seem like a public spectacle or debarcle.

You see, if one is truly authentic and living in the light of God’s love, there is absolutely no reason at all to wear a mask anymore. Who are you trying to hide from and who are you trying to fool? Those with a sense of discernment and any sense of true perception, are going to see right through it, and if they have enough mettle, they will call you on it too.

There’s something about turning fifty, or even just a few weeks beforehand, that made me question alot about my life and come out from behind my self-imposed mask.

I decided to stop dying my hair. I realised there are just some foods I can no longer eat, even though I like them. I have come to love my stretchmarks, they are my badges of pregnancy and carrying such great blessings. After years of of trying to gain my pre-Sammy body, I’ve come to realise that rounded and larger is good too. I love my wrinkles, they show I have lived. I really adore my laughter lines, because my goodness there is still so much joy to share in! I have come to appreciate my boobs are saggy, but they have fed and nurtured my kiddos. I’ve also come to appreciate that I am going through major hormonal changes (menopause) and the greatest gift I can give (apart from nutrition) is love and kindness towards myself. I have found walking my beloved beach to be such a tonic of healing and health, and I have found my love of dancing again!

There are those who want to label me a worshipper, a prophet, an author, a publisher, a this or a that. But what I know for sure is that I am a Watchman and I call out what I see. I am not popular, I never have been and don’t aspire to be. I am not a great Beauty to the world, but I am to my husband and children. I am not a Rockstar, but I love my singing voice – because these days I have come to appreciate I sing for an audience of One. I don’t have anything to prove with my writing or my blogs, I just write what I sense the Lord telling me too. I feel such great sadness and joy within the same moment, and realise that is how the Lord made me, and I know how to manage those emotions now. I see the world and life very differently to a few years ago, and I’m not afraid to live it.

We live in such unprecedented and tumultuous times, we don’t know where or when the next disaster will be. But we know the One who calms the seas, brings Shalom (peace) to the raging heart; gives us joy for sadness; a song instead of a dirge; provision from Heaven; parts the sea of troubles for us to walk right through; hope for the nations and love for all mankind. His name is Yeshua (Jesus) – He alone is our Salvation, our Rock and the strong tower of our Defense, AND the name above ALL names – including Covid-19! We serve a Mighty God who knows the end from the beginning, who writes OUR names upon His hand, who loves us so completely and delights in us abundantly.

I love this time of life, and have continued to embrace all the changes. There is so much to be thankful for, so much to be excited about and so much yet to do.

But the one thing I know for sure, unequivocably and indeliably – you can’t do any of this from living behind a mask!

Israel….My Story, Part 2

 

I’ve really grappled with writing this part of the story.  Knowing there is a possibility that the people concerned may read this, I am trying to be as tactful as possible…

Things weren’t right.  I was not being heard.  Even though there had been warnings about the trip to Israel and I was trying to listen to them, when I expressed them, I was pretty much fobbed off and left to it.  This would come back to haunt others in the ensuing weeks and months.

I have never spoken publically what I am about to share – so if you can’t deal with raw, honest and vulnerable, I suggest you leave the page now.

I have been attacked twice in my life, with what I would call ‘terror and dread.’  These spirits go far beyond fear, and if not dealt with swiftly, they will stay attached for as long as they can.  Once, while driving alone in the car, these hands reached around and tried to strangle me.  I called upon the name of Jesus, and he literally saved me from blacking out and crashing the car.  The second time, was in the back of the car, in a traffic jam in Tel Aviv – with this couple.  The person I was with went all black eyed and snake headed.  The words that spewed out of it were from hell itself.  Afterwards the person jumped out of the car and ran off.

I sat there paralysed in utter silence.

Welcome to Israel!

The next morning, there were prayers and forgiveness, but the shock and trauma had set in, and things weren’t ok for Neil and I.  In fact, as the tour started, I found myself more and more not being heard, and ended up hiding behind Neil – literally hiding.  The only thing that got me through, was knowing we had a nice room to retreat to if necessary!  Never mind that I was in this land I loved, I guess most of me had checked out, shut down.

It wasn’t until we got to Masada that there was a change for me.  I knew because of finding out my natural heritage, that I needed to pray for certain things atop of Masada.  After a loud disagreement, Neil and I broke away from the group, and I went to where I’d seen in a vision, a certain area to stand and pray.  It was perfect.  No one there, just Neil (who was off taking photos), myself and God.  I really sensed the Ruach wind of God.  A sense of Yeshua being right there with me.  It seemed to be of another time, it was just majestic.  I was deeply moved, deeply quiet.  I will never forget that moment.   Spiritually speaking, something had shifted….

As we travelled through this glorious land, we discovered wonderful treasures and moments of joy, but the deep overwhelming feeling of dread and terror remained.

I was shocked by some of the tour group.  Mutterings in the back of the bus about our tour guide, mocking him and saying nasty things – I’d come all this way for that?

I was utterly disgusted by one of the ‘leaders’ actions.  We’d been sent the notes beforehand on how we were to behave, and told not to disagree with the guides infront of others etc.  Well, this leader had outright arguments with our guide, so Neil and I turned off our whispers and walked away.  I had a sense this person was rather arrogant, well that darn well proved it!

The final nail in the Israeli coffin, was this American couple we seemed to get on well with.  They were wanting to share dinners, swap emails etc which seemed fine, all to then turn around and cut off all contact with us once they’d gotten the contact details of the couple we took over.  So much for befriending ‘like minded’ people!

I was ruined.  Just completely lacerated in my soul.  And I was done.  I may have loved Israel, but I never wanted to return again.  And I would never tour with American people again 🙂  Que laughter here!

When we returned to New Zealand, our middle daughter and her partner were leaving the next week to relocate to Australia.  The farewell dinner we held was the last time we ever saw our friends.  They literally live one mile away, and they just ditched us.  We were used for our money, our time, our friendship and then hurled away.

I sank into a depression.  A lot of things transpired, and I just wasn’t coping.  I reached out to the Gilberts, who were by the way, outstanding in their support and prayers!

My book was then internationally published, and I couldn’t even deal with having a book launch or celebration.  Something that had bought so much joy to me as I wrote it, and here I was not even really wanting to acknowledge what God had done through me!  My eldest daughter took it upon herself to put up posters all around our wee village, and to approach the local libraries.  She also ‘reminded’ those who had received my book for free, to get online and do a review – she’s amazing like that!

I’m not at all ashamed to say I reached out and got professional help.  Someone who went incredibly deep with me.  Someone who went into the spirit realm and routed out these liar demons that were having a field day with me.  Someone whom I have so much love and respect for.  This woman made me work SO DAMN HARD!  And I’m so glad she did, because it made a difference.  I found prayers online that went into hard areas that other Christians or Ministries won’t touch, and I WENT THERE.  And so did Neil.  He too got help.  And we got help with God.  We got healed of our ‘stuff’ and we started to move through the minefield that had been lacerated open in Tel Aviv.

Come January 2 this year, everything changed.  I woke up and felt like my Inner Warrior Princess had risen up again.  It didn’t stay that way for long, but I learnt so many valuable lessons.  But, I couldn’t write.  Even doing my study was hard, because it involves writing!  But one thing I repented of and really got serious about, was Israel.  God had placed his hand on my life concerning this, his chosen land, and no demon in hell was going to keep me from my destiny!

FINALLY, in due course, we were able to view the video of the Tour that the Gilberts sent through.  And then the next week we looked at the up and coming tour.  We blessed it and thought it sounded great, but nothing else transpired.

And then.

It happened.

Tom Horn.  Zev Porat.  Carl Gallups.  The Jim Bakker Show.

An internal ‘explosion’……

Oh boy, here we go again……..!

 

 

Content and photos copyrighted by Sandi Wilson 2019